Michelle Obama talks with school girls in England

*squeals*

Barack Obama's Third Quarter Progress Report

Barack Obama has been president for 74 days -- three-quarters through that crucial "First Hundred Days" that help define each presidency. Well it's been a complete disaster, obviously. Comrade Obama is taking the country on a one-way trip to socialism by 'spreading the wealth.' Which in no way has ever been done before since the country's founding. Never.

And the stimulus, boy, what a miserable failure. What a radical commie-terrorist brutal ass rape of the country. In fact, it's doing so terrible, that the Dow Jones has had its best four weeks since 1933. Wasn't there some sort of "deal" passed in 1933 to combat some sort of depression of greatness or something... it might have been inherently similar to the stimulus that Barack Obama just passed, but I can't remember right now. Regardless, that failed too. And there are so many brilliant economists around the world that disagree with the stimulus, that every industrialized nation on the planet that has had its economy crash are enacting similar plans. What a doofus!


Former President Bill Clinton (MONICA LEWINSKY SUCKED HIS COCK LOL), who saw a $167 billion surplus between 1998 and 2001, said in February that he would have done exactly what Obama is doing right now. But his surplus never happened, and irrelevant things like "numbers" and "facts" are just a bunch of librul lies.

And Obama's trip to Europe! Wow! What a complete disaster! He gave the Queen of England an iPod as a gift, when -- get this -- SHE ALREADY OWNS ONE LOLLLLLL. What a foreign policy plunder, this'll set back our relations by twenty years! But the Queen didn't request it herself or anything. She didn't want to replace her non-video iPod with a video iPod. Anyone who tells you that is a brainwashed slave of the librul media.



And the Europeans HATE him!! You can tell because the British press asked him relevant questions while he was over in England! Women in the streets who try to kiss him (1:08) are just a bunch of cowards who surrendered to the Nazis! Because they're French and the Frenchies are stupid LOL!!

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In summary, Barack Obama is a radical communist -- even more radical than half the democrats in Congress who say he's too moderate and isn't left-leaning enough. He's trying to secure the rule of Democrats for the next fifty years, just like what FDR did after the American people saw how brilliantly Democrats handled the Great Depression! If Barack Obama is successful, Repubicans won't gain power! He's a menace who needs to be stopped!

Badass - Simo Häyhä

Simo Häyhä

The Soviet Union was always a bunch of dicks. In 1939, Joseph Stalin thought it would be pretty fucking hilarious to invade Finland with like 2 million people for no goddamn reason. Simo Häyhä, a scrawny soft-spoken farmer, barely stood five feet tall. That screams “total unstoppable fucking badass” to me. When the Russians crossed the border, Simo grabbed his old school Mosin-Nagant rifle, and put his expert hunting skills to use.

He started popping heads like the Jonas Brothers pop cherries. The Soviets became fucking terrified of him. They started calling him “The White Death,” because of his distinctive camo. He would shove snow in his mouth so his breath couldn't be seen in the cold. That's some Solid Snake shit right there. The Russians eventually sent out special task force to hunt him down, but they all kinda sorta ended up dead. So when that didn't work out, they sent out a sniper team, which Häyhä single-handedly ended as well. They launched carpet bombings and artillery strikes on positions where they thought he might be. Shrapnel from the strikes shredded his coat, but he was more or less left untouched.


And what's most astonishing about this? Since he knew that the sun's reflection off a rifle's scope could give away his position, he just flat out didn't use one. Simo Häyhä sniped hundreds of communists with a rifle invented in the 1800's, without using a motherfucking scope. Try considering this for more than five seconds without causing your head to explode in flames.

Eventually, a Russian soldier actually managed to shoot him in the face. But he was Simo fucking Häyhä, so instead of dying like a mortal person, he simply fell into a coma. He was stopped for about a week. He woke up eleven days later. This was also the same day peace was declared, so I'm just assuming the Russians decided to give up once they found out Simo Häyhä had regained consciousness. Fellow soldiers said “half his face was missing.” He made a full recovery over the next few years. His entire left cheek was only fucking demolished, no big deal.

Simo killed 505-542 godless commie bastards with his rifle. He killed another 200 with his submachine gun. That brings his total kill count to over 700 people. All in a span of 100 days. His personal best was 25 in a single day. Simo Häyhä died in 2002, at the ripe old age of 97. No other person in history has had more confirmed kills than him in any war.


Although the Soviets technically won the Winter War, it was a huge moral defeat for them. The commies suffered 40 times more casualties than the Fins – close to one million people. Stalin had murdered 50% of the officers in his army a couple years earlier, so half the officers on the front lines in Finland were completely inexperienced. The Soviets were expecting complete conquest, but they didn't even end up with all that much land. They even had to give back an island. Fucking communists.

Mythbusters on Olbermann

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Michele Bachman is a crazy fucking bitch

Michele Bachman is known for past antics such as when she called for a national investigation to see which of her colleagues in Congress oppose America. Surprise! She's a Republican!

Last week, Bachmann joined the growing list of fucking lunatics calling for armed violence against the government of the United States. But unlike other maniacs of the same mentality who are subtle and sly about it, Bachman just went right out and said it. On Sean Hannity's radio show, she said that Americans should get “armed and dangerous,” and paraphrased Thomas Jefferson when he said new revolutions are sometimes necessary. But she specified that she meant an "orderly revolution," which of course doesn't exist because all armed revolutions are violent and terrible. Sean Hannity agreed with every word. Here's some quotes, and here's the audio recording in its full context.

The Young Turks are brilliant as always



Conservatives who support a revolution against the United States government so far:

• Michelle Bachmann
• Sean Hannity (he never disagreed with her)
• Chuck Norris
• Alan Keyes
• Glenn Beck (Look up the definition of "propaganda" and tell me this is not propaganda)

These people just want better ratings and more votes. They make shit up. "Democrats are trying to bring back the Fairness Doctrine." "Democrats are trying to ban all firearms." "Democrats are trying to establish an international currency." No one is calling to ban all guns. No one wants to establish an international currency. A couple politicians whispered about the Fairness Doctrine, and nobody took them seriously. It's obvious these right wing fuckers don't even believe what they're saying, but the problem is that there are people who are taking this stuff very seriously. Here's a youtube video promoting an upcoming protest. It shows pictures of the American Revolution and the Texan War for Independence, and then says “Sometimes history must repeat itself.” That's a call for civil war. I really hope the feds are keeping an eye on this shit. Barack Obama has barely been in office for two months. I don't even want to think about where their sanity will be in two years.



And the scariest part? There is not a single elected Republican speaking out against this. Remember whenever a Democrat said something whacky during the Bush years? The Democrats would reign him in. This is some real serious shit, and their complete silence about it says a-fucking-lot.

Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition

Oh man.

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Summed up, the government of Spain is pursuing war crimes trials for some top Bush officials. I'm glad Obama is staying as far away from this as possible. I said a while ago that I side with Obama on this because war crimes investigations would divide the country. But Republicans have shown over the last couple months that they want to divide it either way. So I'll modify my position. I want this to happen as long as Obama continues to have no say in it. As soon as he enters the picture, the right will view it as a partisan witch hunt. They'll probably see it as one anyway, but at least his absence will just cushion the clusterfuck.

Oh, and O'Reilly's thoughts



Boy, that'll show 'em.

This is some pretty funny shit just by itself, but then they reveal something at the very end that makes it even funnier.



In much more tragic news, yet another child was murdered because of insane delusion masked as religion. He was starved to death because he never said "amen" at dinner. He was 16 months old. The mother shoved his dead body in a suitcase and left it in a shed for a year. She said he was going to resurrect. Favorite quotes:

• “She wasn’t delusional, because she was following a religion,” [the mother's attorney Steven] Silverman said.

But at the same time,

• Silverman said he and prosecutors think Ramkissoon was brainwashed and should have been found not criminally responsible; prosecutors declined to comment.

So she's brainwashed, but she isn't delusional. I see. But my favorite part,

• Ramkissoon, 22, has agreed to plead guilty to a lesser charge on one condition: The charges against her must be dropped if her son, Javon Thompson, is resurrected.

Nope. Not delusional at all. U GUYZ JUST WAIT TIL MY MANA REGENERATES SO I CAN REZ HIM.

Badass - Audie Murphy

Audie Murphy

Simply being a member of the U.S. military automatically thrusts you forward to "badass" level, but when there's a badass that even the badasses consider badass, you know that badass is truly the king badass of all badasses. Audie Murphy was one of the greatest soldiers in the history of the world. Every one of us should fall on our knees and weep at the sheer mention of his name.

Audie wasn't old enough to join the military when the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. But he didn't care, he just lied about his age. He tried joining the Marines, but he was too scrawny lookin'. He tried joining the Air Force, but he was too short. The Army finally accepted him, because they could always use more meat shields. He was 16 years old. What were you doing when you were 16? Loser.

They shipped him off to Northern Africa, and he kinda just stood around in the desert for a while kicking cans. He first saw combat during the Allied invasion of Sicily. He proved himself in several key battles, and was quickly promoted to Sergeant.

Shortly after landing at a beachhead in Southern France, Audie and his best friend saw some Germans approaching them, waving a white flag with their guns in the air. Audie was suspicious. When his buddy rose up, the Nazi shitheads suddenly dropped the flag and shot the shit out of him. Audie became fucking enraged, and killed every god damn one of them. He sprinted forward blindly looking for more Nazis to kill. A machine gun nest opened fire on him from a nearby hill. Murphy charged up the slope straight at them, and smoked the entire crew.

He wasn't done.

Yet another machine gun emplacement opened fire on him. So he simply picked up the MG42 the dead Nazis weren't using anymore, and turned it on them. He wiped those guys out too. He carried it off with him Rambo style and demolished two more gun emplacements. Plus two sniper positions. By himself.


But what he did later in Holtzwihr Forest tops even this.

Murphy had been assigned to hold the critical Colmar Pocket from German counterattack. He had two M-10 Tank Destroyers and 19 men. His company had been decimated; they were once 128 strong. On one cold rainy morning, Audie noticed a fucking shit ton of Nazis bearing down right on top of them. He radioed HQ, but the only two companies that could have reinforced them were too busy holding the flanks.

He sent his men back to take up defensive positions in the rear, but kept the two M-10s forward to take out the German tanks. They were both torn to shreds. Now, right here, a sane person would probably fall back to the defensive position not too far behind him. Not Audie Murphy. The word "sanity" isn't in Audie Murphy's book of word-lernin'. Instead, he jumped up on top of the god damn burning tank right next to him, and manned the fucking .50 cal. Because he's Audie god damn Murphy. He got on the radio with HQ and started calling in artillery strikes. From his completely exposed position on this tank, with artillery shells raining down fucking everywhere around him, Audie held down the trigger and shot the shit out of every fucking Nazi in sight. I would like to imagine him screaming "I'M AUDIE MOTHERSHITTING MURPHY!" at the top of his lungs the entire time. Because that's what I would have done.



He wiped out an entire platoon that had taken cover in a ditch a hundred feet away. The Tiger tanks? Yeah, those pulled back because their infantry support were all suffering from a severe case of getting shot in the god damn face. Audie finally dismounted the tank an hour later, only after he ran out of ammunition – just seconds before the whole fucking thing exploded. Wounded, dazed, and in a state of utter exhaustion, Murphy then called his men forward and organized a counterattack to sweep the rest of the Germans out of the forest. This one man just stopped six tanks and 250 soldiers. I do that in motherfucking Call of Duty, you're not supposed to be able to do that in real life.

Malaria kills people. Its symptoms include, but are not limited to, fever, sudden coldness, shivering, vomiting, and convulsions. Audie Murphy contracted Malaria in Italy. He's had it this entire time. He did all of this while suffering with motherfucking Malaria. It's impossible to fully grasp this without causing your ears to spontaneously start bleeding.

Audie Murphy received 33 medals during his service, including the Medal of Honor and the Distinguished Service Cross. Plus five more from France. And one from Belgium. He's the most decorated American soldier in history.

After coming back from the war, Audie became a successful actor and composer. He was an action hero in To Hell and Back. You know who he played? HIMSELF. You really wanna know how fucking badass this guy was? His own autobiography is an action movie. And he was modest about it too. He had the producers take out scenes from HIS OWN AUTOBIOGRAPHY because he was afraid people might not believe the very things he actually did.



For the rest of his life, Murphy struggled with post-traumatic stress disorder, which at the time was very misunderstood and considered taboo. Upon witnessing the same things happening to veterans returning from Korea and Vietnam, he became one of the first voices to openly speak out about it, and called on the U.S. government to take the emotional impact of war more seriously. He died tragically in a plane crash in 1971. His grave is the second most visited in Arlington Cemetery, right after John F. Kennedy's.

I can't wait for Inglorious Basterds. I love watching Nazis getting their fucking shit blown.