Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Shitty Movie Review - Twilight

I've been wanting to watch Twilight for a long time. It just looked SO BAD. It was BEGGING to be made fun of. My expectations of its shittiness were not only met, they were surpassed. Beyond description. I wonder how truly soulless a Hollywood executive would have to be to sign off on a movie like this. Then I chuckle softly at the thought of stabbing that person in the fucking neck with a pencil. Hee hee.

Twilight takes place in an alternate universe where existence itself is engulfed in a blue-ish tint. It's about an angsty teenage girl named Bella. Her parents are divorced. She decides to go move in with her dad. Then she meets a metrosexual vampire named Edward, and they stare at each other for two hours.

The end.

Honest to god, that is it. That's all it is. There is no plot. There is literally nothing. That trailer up there? That is the entire movie. I just saved you two hours. You're welcome.

"Oh hi, I'm a vampire."

It starts out with Bella being the new girl at school. She is creeped the fuck out by Edward. Then she finds out he's a... a... (say it.) a-- vampire! After she discovers his undying craving for human flesh, she immediately falls in love with him. Sounds like a reaction of a mentally stable person, if you ask me. Cue an entire hour of Edward and Bella staring at each other with rape eyes. Then they talk about the weather. Really. They go and talk about the weather. They're in the wettest place in the continental U.S., you know. Then they play baseball. No, really. She and Edward's vampire friends play baseball for ten minutes. You may wonder how this progresses the plot in any way, but you forget this is Twilight, and Twilight has no need for stupid things like plots. Then an evil vampire suddenly decides he wants to kill Bella for no god damn reason. Then Edward saves her. This "climax" is thrown together almost at random, and is extremely rushed. The end.

None of the characters have any personality or motivation whatsoever. I don't know how accurate the movie is to the book, but whoever the hell wrote this didn't even fucking try. Edward wears a single facial expression for the entire movie, and not once does he ever deviate from it. He loves Bella, but he constantly has to fight his vampire urges to consume her blood. It was hilarious, because every time they kissed, he looked like he was in pain, as if he was gay and hated every second of it. That's believable, at least.

"O hai, did u know I'm a vampire?"

Bella on the other hand is nothing but a worthless damsel in distress, and her very existence pushes back women's rights by forty years. Seriously, is Stephanie Meyer a masochist or something? Does she hate her own sex? (Dr. Drew might want to have a word with her. Where's her father at?) Bella is an utterly powerless stereotype, depending entirely on her knight in shining armor (or in this case, her pale emo kid in sparkling faggotry). Bella didn't even try to fight back when the evil vampire was kicking the shit out of her and laughing. She just sat there and cried and accepted her death without a struggle. In recent years, we've really been seeing a surge of powerful female characters in storytelling, and it's been ridiculously awesome. Stephanie Meyer just bent over and shit on all of it. Good job, Stephanie Meyer. That's a very powerful message you're sending to young girls -- be helpless, cry, and let everyone walk all over you until your emo boyfriend shows up.

Every damn line of this trainwreck was a forced one-liner. We're left with such classics as,
  • "Say it."
  • "It's the skin of a killer!"
  • "My monkey man."
  • "Hang on tight, spider monkey."
  • And who can forget, "Debussy." Then, cue scene where Edward plays a piano for no reason. Wow, very original Edward, you actually know who Claude Debussy is, you're so deep and vampiric. Swoon?

"I play piano, I'm totally deep and damaged. I am SUCH a vampire you guys, you don't even know."

I sometimes enjoy gazing upon terrible things. Like the car wreck analogy. You just can't look away. And honestly, I am a little curious -- I kind of want to read the book. But I'm not going to. I'm a little afraid my face might melt away like in Indiana Jones.

"Wow, this book is pretty terrib-- HOLY SHIT, LIKE, MY FACE IS TOTALLY MELTING NOW!!"

This goon in his hilarious review had my same curiosity, and his message is: STAY THE FUCK AWAY. The title of the thread is even called, "Stephenie Meyer's Twilight: I hate this woman". Best excerpt:

I spent the majority of the book bewildered at what was going on... not because of clarity issues but because... it's just so stupid. I don't even know where to start tearing into this shit. You should really go to her website to get the full effect. Its like reading the myspace page of a bitchy, PMS-ing 14 year old girl. No self-respecting 30-year-old woman should be writing the kind of bullshit that she writes and more importantly no one as fucking stupid as her should've procreated. I am disgusted that she has three children. Really? You felt the need to pass on your genetic predisposition to suck at everything onto three unsuspecting Womb Lice?! I hope those boys grow up outside of your influence and go on to have successful lives where they pay to have you put in a home because lady, you are deranged.

A random commenter chimed in,

I lose respect for people who like these books. They are that bad.

Pretty much every person I know who's a fan of the series admits they know how dumb it is. But every one of them excuses it with "it's just good harmless fun." I disagree, I actually think it's quite unhealthy to eat out of a garbage can. Reading is supposed to exercise the mind. It's supposed to enhance your imagination. The thing is, you just don't think when you're engrossed in a mindless story like Twilight. You can't. It's no better than spending hours in front of a television; it forces your brain into sleep mode and rots it. There's nothing new. There's nothing worthwhile. There's nothing to take away from it. It's pointless. It's reading for people who hate reading. There is such better stuff out there that they could be devoting their time to. They'd rather munch on this dog shit, than eat a juicy steak.

I will never understand why this series is so popular. It boggles my fucking mind. I really think it's just a domino effect or something. It probably started when a few dumbfuck preps in a high school found it. I'm guessing these morons could barely read street signs, let alone an actual novel, so they immediately love Twilight because they can't define a "good book". Everyone else instantly follows along so they can be cool. POOF! Stephanie Meyer is suddenly swimming in money she does not deserve. I cannot think of any other explanation--I'm saying this with complete seriousness. Twilight really is that fucking terrible. How can any self-respecting person ever genuinely enjoy it?

It's perfectly fine if you like the romance genre (not really). But don't read Twilight. Go read Pride and Prejudice, or Gone With The Wind, or Romeo and Juliet, or you know, a romance that's actually good. For god's sake, go read Harry Potter or something. Don't Ron and Hermione hook up or whatever? Or Dumbledore and Gooblepuss or someshit? I don't really know what the fuck I'm babbling about at the moment, but there are romances in it, right? Twilight on the other hand is nothing but a disgustingly horrible fanfic. It has no originality. It has no depth. Meyers has no talent. It is fucking trash. What's even more astonishing than the fact that it even got published, is that they ended up making a god damn movie out of it. I usually love watching shitty movies because they're always hilarious, but I am absolutely refusing to watch Twilight's sequels. The mere fact that people take this seriously sucks all the fun out of it. It's just too depressing.

Jamming a fork into my eyeball would be more pleasurable than watching Twilight again. When I lay on my deathbed seven million years from now, I am going to shake my fists furiously in the air, and curse Twilight for robbing me of two additional hours I could have had residing within my conquered universe. Curse you, Twilight.

(echo, echo, echo, echo)


Other shitty movie reviews:
The Patriot


  1. Just be glad you didn't read the books. I've skimmed the first chapters of some of them and seriously, I weep at the fact that this poorly-edited shit gets published and sold in massive amounts and yet I've more or less given up on my writing (probably because of shit like this).

  2. Oh yeah, and here's the first chapter of the 2nd book... the female character bitches and moans about it being her 18th birthday and everyone's all nice to her and wants to give her things (dude wants to pay for her college, buy her a car and shit) but she's all "wah, I wanna be a vampire too, it's not fair. stupid birthday, I'm going to be older than my sexy boyfriend. ew, getting old is gross."


    Not to mention the whole "clearly bella doesn't want to do anything for her birthday, but we all know what she really wants/is best for her so let's show her." thing... AND SHE GOES ALONG WITH IT (but continues bitching the whole time anyway).

  3. Oh my science. This is gold. I'm glad she put an excerpt from Shakespeare on the first page, because I'm fairly certain Shakespeare would be glad to have his name attached to this.

    She seems to obsess with using poetic or emotional words unnecessarily simply because they sound pretty. Does that one writing-wiki-thing you linked me to once have a term for that, because it's pretty popular among depressed girls who can't write.

    "I panicked because Gran didn't know that I was in love with a vampire--nobody knew that--so how was I supposed to explain the fact that the brilliant sunbeams were shattering of his skin into a thousand rainbow shards like he was made of crystal or diamond?"

    This sentence made me lul