In related news, a recently unearthed bowl, dated somewhere between the 2nd century B.C. and the 1st century A.D., could very well be the earliest known reference we've found that mentions Christ. The engraving reads, "DIA CHRSTOU O GOISTAIS", which means either "by Christ the magician" or "the magician by Christ". This cup says Jesus was a magician. Magician.
(it was planted there by Satan)
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
My mac is broken and I'm on my old crappy PC so I can't take screenshots as easily anymore, but the main story on Drudge right now is "WHO'S TO BLAME?" with a picture of some American flags at a graveyard.
I only made this post for a quick comment. Conservatives seem to be on a witchhunt for Muslims after the Fort Hood shooting, because the guy who did the shooting was Muslim. And hey, he could've very well been doing it in the name of a twisted view of Islam, I'm not going outright deny it before we have facts, because religious extremists exist. I just don't understand the hypocrisy of these retards. They're so quick to judge a religion as a whole when Islam is the enemy, but whenever a white Christian terrorist blasts an abortion doctor in the chest with a shotgun, nobody gives a shit, and "normal" religion isn't to blame at all. In fact, I even read an article a while ago (I can't find it anymore) about people on Twitter defending and praising George Tiller's murder. Not only was there no huge outcry against Christian terrorists after the killing, there was actually a fringe group of lunatics actively defending them. And nobody cared. That is a thousand times more dangerous than the Islamic extremism on the other side of the world.
Randy is the best character on South Park. At the risk of raping the loading time of this blog and possibly crashing your internet browser, here's a bunch of short Randy clips.
I was browsing Crack.com last night and saw this. If I write something for Cracked, and they feature me on the front page, I get fifty bucks. I'm honestly not exactly expecting to get that far, I was just bored and felt like making fun of something. So taking my inspiration from the Sex and the City review a few days ago, I wrote this - The Quick and Easy Guide to Falling in Love in the Big City.
My next one is going to be called "The Quick and Easy Guide to Totally Banging Lots of Chicks, Brah!"
It's been interesting and hilarious watching the Republicans all jump off their gigantic fucking cliff throughout the year. Most of them worship lunatics like Beck and Limbaugh and Palin, but as soon as someone points out the lunacy of these people, they're quick to detach themselves and scream about how [lunatic] isn't the leader of the Republican party, or [lunatic] isn't a Republican at all, this isn't about republican and democrat, stop drinking dah kool-aid you mindless sheeple.
In what could be a nightmare scenario for Republican Party officials, conservative activists are gearing up to challenge leading GOP candidates in more than a dozen key House and Senate races in 2010.
Conservatives and tea party activists had already set their sights on some of the GOP’s top Senate recruits — a list that includes Gov. Charlie Crist in Florida, former Rep. Rob Simmons in Connecticut and Rep. Mark Kirk in Illinois, among others.
But their success in Tuesday’s upstate New York special election, where grass-roots efforts pushed GOP nominee Dede Scozzafava to drop out of the race and helped Conservative Party nominee Doug Hoffman surge into the lead on the eve of Election Day, has generated more money and enthusiasm than organizers ever imagined.
Activists predict a wave that could roll from California to Kentucky to New Hampshire and that could leave even some GOP incumbents — Utah Sen. Bob Bennett is one — facing unexpectedly fierce challenges from their right flank.
[...]
These high-stakes primaries, pitting the activist wing of the party against the establishment wing, stand to have a profound impact on the 2010 election landscape since they will create significant problems for moderate candidates recruited by the national party precisely because they appear well-suited to win in places that are not easily — or even plausibly — won by conservative candidates.
The tensions between the two visions threaten to limit the party’s gains in an election year that is shaping up in its favor.
Party strategists worry that well-funded, well-organized challenges from the right could force Republicans to exhaust precious resources on messy primary fights — or force moderate candidates to adopt more strident positions early on that could haunt them during the final months of the campaign.
“For me, what this says is, we need to take a deep breath and decide whether [moderates and conservatives] work together or not,” said Tom Davis, the former chairman of the National Republican Congressional Committee. “And if we don’t, it can get very, very ugly.”
The funniest part about this is that they think Republicans are moderate.
The two-party system is pretty shitty, but in all honesty, it's probably the best form of government human beings are capable of using at this moment of our history. You can go ahead and vote third party to jerk off over how much of an individual you are if you really want to, but in the end, you accomplished nothing. You only helped the people you really hate stay in power by taking votes away from the "not-as-evil" party. Napoleon Bonaparte has a great quote -- "Never interrupt your enemy when he is in the process of making a mistake." Hey Glenn Beck Party, you wanna know how to keep Democrats in power? Keep reading out of that Ralph Nader playbook, thanks guys.
I don’t know why they even bothered dressing this up as comedy. If you’re going to wish death on someone, own it. It’s like hitting a guy with a crowbar but wearing a funny hat while doing it to “lighten the mood” or whatever.
If there's a particular set of noises that makes me want to kill myself, it is the obnoxious sound effects that come out of the mouths of female humans as they're interacting with each other. I'm not talking about normal conversation, or the soft, soothing "aaawwww" noise they make (which has healing powers powerful enough to cure bullet wounds to the head). I'm talking about the sounds that come out when they first meet after not seeing each other for a while, or when they hear some significantly exciting news. The "AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" or the EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! Usually, these noises are accompanied by frantic jumps, and the severe shutting of eyelids. It should be no surprise, then, that Sex and the City was particularly torturous for me. Because when these four dumbfucks weren't incoherently ranting about clothes and shoes and penises, they were making these noises.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA???
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Then why on earth did I sit through it, you ask? I could have so easily shoved my laptop out of the window, you say? Well, my watching this movie is simply proof of my dedication to you - my four or five people who may or may not read this blog. I feel like I've been neglecting to make any meaningful posts recently, so I figured it could use another Shitty Movie Review. And I love writing these things, so it had to be worth it in the end, right? Right?
Meet Carrie. She's a horse going around New York City disguised as a human being.
Carrie's a "writer". I use that term loosely. She spends her time fooling everyone into thinking she's deep. She's in fact a huge plagiarizer of a popular work called the thesaurus, and she just copies down everything under the word "love".
"Love is funny..." OH REALLY? TELL ME HOW FUNNY LOVE IS CARRIE. HAHAHAHA. SO FUNNY.
"Love is like..." WHAT IS LOVE LIKE, CARRIE? I'M NOT ORIGINAL, SO I DEPEND ON TELEVISION SHOWS TO TELL ME WHICH SHALLOW ANALOGIES I SHOULD RECITE AT PARTIES.
One of the first scenes of the movie had Carrie and her empty shell boyfriend looking at apartments. Carrie just loved this particular apartment, and would've given anything to have it! The problem? It was well out of their price range. Dang it! No problem, says the pet manservant boyfriend, "I got it."
Carrie then proceeds to rant and rave to her squabbling noisemakers girlfriends about how perfect her crutch boyfriend is for her.
"'I got it', just like that, just 'I got it', like he was picking up the check for coffee or something!" "Oh mah gawd, he sounds so perfeeeccct!!"
I'm eagerly awaiting Sex and The City 2: I Got It, which takes place at the same time of this film. It surrounds the boyfriend's feeble attempts at raking up enough cash to somehow quench his master's undying materialistic thirst. He starts by taking things from work to pawn off in the slummy neighborhoods. Over the course of a few weeks, he eventually hits rock bottom, as he's forced into handing out sexual favors to truckers on the freeway, while silently sobbing and humming the Star-Spangled Banner to himself. It's all for you, Carrie.
They decide to get engaged. Then a legitimate newspaper decided to run a story about it. Yeah. Carrie got engaged you know, that's enough to publish an article. And then Vogue wanted to put her in a photoshoot. Simply because she got engaged. THIS REALLY HAPPENS IF YOU MOVE TO NEW YORK AND FIND SOME QUIRKY GIRLFRIENDS TO LOOK FOR LOVE WITH.
Then these forty-year-olds decided to talk about fucking people right in front of a five year old girl. But see, they were clever about it and substituted the word "coloring" for fucking. Oh ho!
"Let me tell you something, when he colors, he rarely stays inside the lines."
GET IT? BECAUSE COLORING REALLY MEANS FUCKING. HEE HEE. LOVE IS FUNNY.
That five-year-old girl? She's actually the adopted Chinese daughter of Yackity Bitch #2. Yackity Bitch #3 has a young son as well. I really do feel sorry for those kids. In every one of the scenes that "involve" them, they just sit silently in the background doing their own thing, while all the yackity bitches prattle on about clothes and penises. Hey, here's an idea: why don't you stop acting like a bunch of fucking fourteen-year-olds, and raise your god damn kids?
Just kidding, they'll probably turn out great.
About 50 minutes into it, I stopped. I just couldn't take it. It beat me. Considering that all of this hatred is only directed at less than half of the movie, I'm sure you can understand why I didn't make it all the way through. It was nothing but four insane whores laughing at penis jokes, and pretending all the bullshit drama they actively helped conjure up is worse than the holocaust. You know you're living your life to its fullest potential when you've convinced yourself that the the only reasons you were born is to fuck and whine. Post-feminism, guyz.
In fact, for being such "independent" and "empowered" women, they sure do depend a lot on relationships and corporate merchandise in order to be even remotely happy. Did the writers even notice this, or do they just think entrapping their characters' lives in depressing contradictions is really funny?
WE'RE JUST GIRLS IN THE CITY HAVING FUN LOL
Eventually I became so utterly brain dead due to the stupidity of what I was watching, that I just zoned out completely and tried to point out the places I've been in Grand Theft Auto 4. Grand Theft Auto 4 takes place in "Liberty City". Liberty City is literally New York. They remade the entire city inch by inch, building by building, block by block, and renamed it Liberty City. So I just kept thinking, "Oh hey I recognize this general neighborhood," or "Why yes, I DO remember banging a hooker in that alley!", or "Nope, it will never get boring running over joggers in Central Park." But above it all, I just fantasized about GTA4's protagonist Niko Belic running up out of fucking nowhere, and blowing all of these scrawny bitch's brains all over the fucking pavement. OH NO, MY DESIGNER PURSE. I should make movies. Yeeeaah.
But this film did have one redeeming feature. When the wedding officially became "off," Yackity Bitch #2 yelled at boyfriend and made the funniest face I have ever seen.
This was supposed to be one of the most dramatic scenes of the entire movie, and I was sitting here cracking up. It was the single greatest part of the whole film, and it alone justified having to sit through it. This was actually right around where I stopped. They would never be able to top it, so why continue?
The gratuitous photo shoot with the wedding dress was probably the killing blow for me. I don't understand the obsession with weddings, or more specifically, the fanfare around them. A lot of women don't even seem like they want to get married for the lifelong relationship; they only want to get married for the wedding. And the dumb bitches in this movie were no different. If there's one thing I've come to learn about the way women often act towards each other, it's that they have this strange ability to be some real deceitful, two-faced bitches at one moment, and then transform into some sort of kind, caring shoulders to cry on, the next. Basically the only way shallow women interact with each other is by trying to outdo each other in everything (this does go for both sexes, but in different ways). Even in this very film, when Carrie got her new apartment, she said to her friend "Just be what I want you to be - jealous." That's essentially what weddings are supposed to be to these types of people: obnoxious, wastefully extravagant clusterfucks, put together for the sole purpose of proving to your friends that your male hunter does a better job at providing for you. I'm just kidding, anyone who thinks these thoughts is simply a cynic who doesn't believe in love and/or marriage. At least that's what I keep repeating in my head over and over again, so I don't get distracted and actually take the corporate machine's monstrous dick out of my mouth.
In conclusion: this movie is fucking retarded. Anyone who likes this movie is fucking retarded. If you even vaguely hint at excusing it, you are fucking retarded. This should not exist. Shallow dumbshits like these girls should not be given outlets to the public. I know I probably don't have many friends who would like this movie (if any at all) but the fact remains that there are real, live people out there who take it seriously. That fact lessens you and me as human beings. We can only sit back and pray that Darwin will work his magic, and the good majority of them will trip over their heels and crack their necks before they're able to procreate and use their demonspawn offspring as fashion accessories.
My internet buddy Valerie posted this video up on facebook, and I was so utterly blown away by it, that I decided to pursue it further, and go to the main website from where (whence?) the footage came.
Behold: a bunch of fucking awesome animals.
My faggotry rating might go up a little by using the "<3" heart symbol, but I don't care... nature <3
WE'RE JUST GIRLS IN THE CITY HAVING FUN LOL
IT'S YOUR DAY AND NOTHING CAN EVER RUIN IIIIIIIIIIITTTTTT!!!!!1
