If there's a particular set of noises that makes me want to kill myself, it is the obnoxious sound effects that come out of the mouths of female humans as they're interacting with each other. I'm not talking about normal conversation, or the soft, soothing "aaawwww" noise they make (which has healing powers powerful enough to cure bullet wounds to the head). I'm talking about the sounds that come out when they first meet after not seeing each other for a while, or when they hear some significantly exciting news. The "AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" or the EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! Usually, these noises are accompanied by frantic jumps, and the severe shutting of eyelids. It should be no surprise, then, that Sex and the City was particularly torturous for me. Because when these four dumbfucks weren't incoherently ranting about clothes and shoes and penises, they were making these noises.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA???
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Then why on earth did I sit through it, you ask? I could have so easily shoved my laptop out of the window, you say? Well, my watching this movie is simply proof of my dedication to you - my four or five people who may or may not read this blog. I feel like I've been neglecting to make any meaningful posts recently, so I figured it could use another Shitty Movie Review. And I love writing these things, so it had to be worth it in the end, right? Right?
Meet Carrie. She's a horse going around New York City disguised as a human being.
Carrie's a "writer". I use that term loosely. She spends her time fooling everyone into thinking she's deep. She's in fact a huge plagiarizer of a popular work called the thesaurus, and she just copies down everything under the word "love".
"Love is funny..."
OH REALLY? TELL ME HOW FUNNY LOVE IS CARRIE. HAHAHAHA. SO FUNNY.
"Love is like..."
WHAT IS LOVE LIKE, CARRIE? I'M NOT ORIGINAL, SO I DEPEND ON TELEVISION SHOWS TO TELL ME WHICH SHALLOW ANALOGIES I SHOULD RECITE AT PARTIES.
One of the first scenes of the movie had Carrie and her
Carrie then proceeds to rant and rave to her
"'I got it', just like that, just 'I got it', like he was picking up the check for coffee or something!"
"Oh mah gawd, he sounds so perfeeeccct!!"
I'm eagerly awaiting Sex and The City 2: I Got It, which takes place at the same time of this film. It surrounds the boyfriend's feeble attempts at raking up enough cash to somehow quench his master's undying materialistic thirst. He starts by taking things from work to pawn off in the slummy neighborhoods. Over the course of a few weeks, he eventually hits rock bottom, as he's forced into handing out sexual favors to truckers on the freeway, while silently sobbing and humming the Star-Spangled Banner to himself. It's all for you, Carrie.
They decide to get engaged. Then a legitimate newspaper decided to run a story about it. Yeah. Carrie got engaged you know, that's enough to publish an article. And then Vogue wanted to put her in a photoshoot. Simply because she got engaged. THIS REALLY HAPPENS IF YOU MOVE TO NEW YORK AND FIND SOME QUIRKY GIRLFRIENDS TO LOOK FOR LOVE WITH.
Then these forty-year-olds decided to talk about fucking people right in front of a five year old girl. But see, they were clever about it and substituted the word "coloring" for fucking. Oh ho!
"Let me tell you something, when he colors, he rarely stays inside the lines."
GET IT? BECAUSE COLORING REALLY MEANS FUCKING. HEE HEE. LOVE IS FUNNY.
That five-year-old girl? She's actually the adopted Chinese daughter of Yackity Bitch #2. Yackity Bitch #3 has a young son as well. I really do feel sorry for those kids. In every one of the scenes that "involve" them, they just sit silently in the background doing their own thing, while all the yackity bitches prattle on about clothes and penises. Hey, here's an idea: why don't you stop acting like a bunch of fucking fourteen-year-olds, and raise your god damn kids?
Just kidding, they'll probably turn out great.
About 50 minutes into it, I stopped. I just couldn't take it. It beat me. Considering that all of this hatred is only directed at less than half of the movie, I'm sure you can understand why I didn't make it all the way through. It was nothing but four insane whores laughing at penis jokes, and pretending all the bullshit drama they actively helped conjure up is worse than the holocaust. You know you're living your life to its fullest potential when you've convinced yourself that the the only reasons you were born is to fuck and whine. Post-feminism, guyz.
In fact, for being such "independent" and "empowered" women, they sure do depend a lot on relationships and corporate merchandise in order to be even remotely happy. Did the writers even notice this, or do they just think entrapping their characters' lives in depressing contradictions is really funny?
WE'RE JUST GIRLS IN THE CITY HAVING FUN LOLEventually I became so utterly brain dead due to the stupidity of what I was watching, that I just zoned out completely and tried to point out the places I've been in Grand Theft Auto 4. Grand Theft Auto 4 takes place in "Liberty City". Liberty City is literally New York. They remade the entire city inch by inch, building by building, block by block, and renamed it Liberty City. So I just kept thinking, "Oh hey I recognize this general neighborhood," or "Why yes, I DO remember banging a hooker in that alley!", or "Nope, it will never get boring running over joggers in Central Park." But above it all, I just fantasized about GTA4's protagonist Niko Belic running up out of fucking nowhere, and blowing all of these scrawny bitch's brains all over the fucking pavement. OH NO, MY DESIGNER PURSE. I should make movies. Yeeeaah.
But this film did have one redeeming feature. When the wedding officially became "off," Yackity Bitch #2 yelled at boyfriend and made the funniest face I have ever seen.
This was supposed to be one of the most dramatic scenes of the entire movie, and I was sitting here cracking up. It was the single greatest part of the whole film, and it alone justified having to sit through it. This was actually right around where I stopped. They would never be able to top it, so why continue?
The gratuitous photo shoot with the wedding dress was probably the killing blow for me. I don't understand the obsession with weddings, or more specifically, the fanfare around them. A lot of women don't even seem like they want to get married for the lifelong relationship; they only want to get married for the wedding. And the dumb bitches in this movie were no different. If there's one thing I've come to learn about the way women often act towards each other, it's that they have this strange ability to be some real deceitful, two-faced bitches at one moment, and then transform into some sort of kind, caring shoulders to cry on, the next. Basically the only way shallow women interact with each other is by trying to outdo each other in everything (this does go for both sexes, but in different ways). Even in this very film, when Carrie got her new apartment, she said to her friend "Just be what I want you to be - jealous." That's essentially what weddings are supposed to be to these types of people: obnoxious, wastefully extravagant clusterfucks, put together for the sole purpose of proving to your friends that your male hunter does a better job at providing for you. I'm just kidding, anyone who thinks these thoughts is simply a cynic who doesn't believe in love and/or marriage. At least that's what I keep repeating in my head over and over again, so I don't get distracted and actually take the corporate machine's monstrous dick out of my mouth.
IT'S YOUR DAY AND NOTHING CAN EVER RUIN IIIIIIIIIIITTTTTT!!!!!1In conclusion: this movie is fucking retarded. Anyone who likes this movie is fucking retarded. If you even vaguely hint at excusing it, you are fucking retarded. This should not exist. Shallow dumbshits like these girls should not be given outlets to the public. I know I probably don't have many friends who would like this movie (if any at all) but the fact remains that there are real, live people out there who take it seriously. That fact lessens you and me as human beings. We can only sit back and pray that Darwin will work his magic, and the good majority of them will trip over their heels and crack their necks before they're able to procreate and use their demonspawn offspring as fashion accessories.
Awww, you didn't get to the part where Carrie is literally spoon fed by her friend. it was too ridiculous
ReplyDeleteI love to read this post. Agence de licence de marquee & Extension de marque
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