"Something to make me appear deep."
-Some guy
I shouldn't care about Twilight. Everyone is allowed to have his or her own guilty pleasures, and I should just leave it alone. And I would, gladly, if its fans didn't take it so damn seriously and shove it in my fucking face so often. Hell, the series takes itself way too seriously. It calls itself the Twilight Saga for crying out loud. Star Wars doesn't even call itself a saga. And even Twilight fans should be sane enough to admit that Twilight is way below the music played in that trailer. I mean, Two Steps From Hell? Really? The most epic trailer music company ever formed, playing for Twilight? That makes me want to listen to Flameheart the next time I take a shit.
And Stephenie Meyer placed a quote from Shakespeare at the beginning of this book. I'm sure Shakespeare would be proud.
Yeah that's right, I've read the first chapter. And you can too. It's online for free. Favorite sentence:
"I panicked because Gran didn't know that I was in love with a vampire--nobody knew that--so how was I supposed to explain the fact that the brilliant sunbeams were shattering off his skin into a thousand rainbow shards like he was made of crystal or diamond?"
HOW COULD GRANDMA EVER UNDERSTAND MY BOYFRIEND'S BRILLIANT RAINBOW BEAMS OF CRYSTAL-LIKE DIAMONDS?
The beginning of this movie consisted of Bella moping around (surprise!). She was turning eighteen. And eighteen is... old? She was actually worried about becoming old, while Edward would always look the exact same since he doesn't age. Because he's a vampire, you know. Everyone else around Bella was celebrating, while Bella just looked at it as another excuse to hate herself. Buck up, kiddo! You're legal! Now at least Edward doesn't have to worry about going to jail!
So remember my review for the first Twilight? Twilight and New Moon are the exact same fucking movie. I wish I was exaggerating. In the first Twilight, Bella met Edward, dicked around with his vampire family, and then stood by and did nothing as the "good" vampires and "bad" vampires fought over her. In New Moon, Bella meets Jacob, dicked around with his werewolf family, and then stood by and did nothing as the "good" vampires, "bad" vampires, and werewolves all fight over her. My fingers are crossed for a mummy boyfriend in Eclipse.
Okay, maybe that's not entirely what the movie is. The rest is a blatant ripoff of Romeo and Juliet. At one point Edward thinks Bella is dead, so he tries to kill himself. He unfortunately does not succeed, as Bella came to him just in time. So, like Romeo and Juliet except less interesting. Normally, I don't have a problem with retellings of Shakespeare's plays. Sons of Anarchy is a fresh take on Hamlet. The difference is that Sons of Anarchy takes on a persona of its own. It has its own atmosphere, with its own characters, and its own plots. Meyer didn't even try with this. Edward and Bella are just as shallow and two-dimensional as Romeo and Juliet. The only "twist" she added on was metrosexual vampires, and that's a pretty bad twist because, let's be honest, vampires are pretty lame even at their coolest. Watch Blade.
I very rarely drink. I try to never do it at all. But I don't get to hang out with my high school friends very often, and a drinking game just sounded fun. We took a drink whenever a vampire was in slow motion. Take a drink whenever someone takes off his shirt. Take a drink whenever any member of the wolf pack, while in human form, howls or makes references about wolves. Take a drink whenever Edward cries. I stopped about halfway through the movie.
It's not exactly a secret that Twilight panders to the raging hormones of fifteen year old girls, such as when they photoshop fake abs into Jacob. But New Moon isn't even subtle about it anymore. Werewolves fucking hate shirts. After Edward breaks up with Bella, she decides to collapse on the forest floor in a fetal position like the victim she is. A few hours later, a werewolf finds her and brings her back to the search party. I was confused as to why Bella's father seemed extremely grateful, when a normal person probably would've been wondering why a boy with no shirt on was carrying his unconscious daughter out of a dark forest.
"Shirts are against our religion."
I am convinced that Stephanie Meyer tried to write herself in as Bella. So I am convinced that Stephanie Meyer has her share of mental disorders. Bella's self-loathing and constant willingness to sacrifice makes her especially vulnerable to being sucked into relationships with terrible people. Case in point: she still went back to her emo boyfriend at the end of the movie, even after he told her he never wanted to see her again. And Jacob the werewolf seems to have issues of his own to deal with. First of all, he's attracted to a girl like Bella. Here's the lowdown: Edward breaks up with Bella because he wants to protect her or something, I wasn't really paying attention. Bella leads Jacob on for half the fucking movie, and Jacob follows the whole way, even after she made it painfully clear that she doesn't want anything to do with him. God damn it, Jacob. Look at you. You could fuck any girl in the entire damn school if you wanted. Why did you decide to pursue the depressed, insecure attention whore who strings you along so she can feel better about herself? You're supposed to be the man in the Team Edward/Team Jacob feud. Grow a dick.
Bella is one screwed up bitch. She loves being the victim, and can't stand being in control of her own life. Every freakin' room she enters, there are a dozen people who want to kill her, and then a dozen more who fight to the death to protect her. All while she just stands by wide-eyed, making silent gasping noises to herself. She never does a thing. She never makes any decision for herself. Ever. Additionally, not only does she find her boyfriend's cannibalism sexually appealing, but once he breaks up with her, she goes and actively seeks out situations that put her life in danger. She went and hopped on a motorcycle with a stranger twice her age because she wanted a rush. She dove into the ocean off of a fucking cliff. She finds herself in love with a man who consumes human blood. I can't wait until they finally try to have sex with each other, so we can see Bella call Edward a pussy because he doesn't want to choke her or smack her around.
Have you ever been around someone who did something so unbelievably stupid, that you felt embarrassed for them? That's how I feel when I think about the fact that people enjoy Twilight. It makes me feel ashamed to be a human being. I've had fans tell me "Well you haven't read the books, so you can't really say anything!" I've read the first chapter okay? I know this shit. And from what I can tell, there really is no difference. It's just a bunch of whiny teenagers obsessing over the romanticist era without bothering to understand exactly what it is. Reading Romeo and Juliet over and over again while listening to Debussy or Chopin doesn't make you deep. It doesn't make you special. It is what normal human beings do every day. And they do it for the sake of enjoyment, not for the sake of fooling people into believing they have a personality. Fucking stop it.
So remember my review for the first Twilight? Twilight and New Moon are the exact same fucking movie. I wish I was exaggerating. In the first Twilight, Bella met Edward, dicked around with his vampire family, and then stood by and did nothing as the "good" vampires and "bad" vampires fought over her. In New Moon, Bella meets Jacob, dicked around with his werewolf family, and then stood by and did nothing as the "good" vampires, "bad" vampires, and werewolves all fight over her. My fingers are crossed for a mummy boyfriend in Eclipse.
"Oh Matthew, I hope I don't get into a situation where my life is in danger, I'm entirely powerless, and I need to depend on you and/or other boys to rescue me!"
"MMMMMMMEEEEERRRRRGHGHGHGRGHHRHGH!!!!"
"Tee hee, don't you try to almost kiss me you silly boy!"
Okay, maybe that's not entirely what the movie is. The rest is a blatant ripoff of Romeo and Juliet. At one point Edward thinks Bella is dead, so he tries to kill himself. He unfortunately does not succeed, as Bella came to him just in time. So, like Romeo and Juliet except less interesting. Normally, I don't have a problem with retellings of Shakespeare's plays. Sons of Anarchy is a fresh take on Hamlet. The difference is that Sons of Anarchy takes on a persona of its own. It has its own atmosphere, with its own characters, and its own plots. Meyer didn't even try with this. Edward and Bella are just as shallow and two-dimensional as Romeo and Juliet. The only "twist" she added on was metrosexual vampires, and that's a pretty bad twist because, let's be honest, vampires are pretty lame even at their coolest. Watch Blade.
I very rarely drink. I try to never do it at all. But I don't get to hang out with my high school friends very often, and a drinking game just sounded fun. We took a drink whenever a vampire was in slow motion. Take a drink whenever someone takes off his shirt. Take a drink whenever any member of the wolf pack, while in human form, howls or makes references about wolves. Take a drink whenever Edward cries. I stopped about halfway through the movie.
It's not exactly a secret that Twilight panders to the raging hormones of fifteen year old girls, such as when they photoshop fake abs into Jacob. But New Moon isn't even subtle about it anymore. Werewolves fucking hate shirts. After Edward breaks up with Bella, she decides to collapse on the forest floor in a fetal position like the victim she is. A few hours later, a werewolf finds her and brings her back to the search party. I was confused as to why Bella's father seemed extremely grateful, when a normal person probably would've been wondering why a boy with no shirt on was carrying his unconscious daughter out of a dark forest.
I am convinced that Stephanie Meyer tried to write herself in as Bella. So I am convinced that Stephanie Meyer has her share of mental disorders. Bella's self-loathing and constant willingness to sacrifice makes her especially vulnerable to being sucked into relationships with terrible people. Case in point: she still went back to her emo boyfriend at the end of the movie, even after he told her he never wanted to see her again. And Jacob the werewolf seems to have issues of his own to deal with. First of all, he's attracted to a girl like Bella. Here's the lowdown: Edward breaks up with Bella because he wants to protect her or something, I wasn't really paying attention. Bella leads Jacob on for half the fucking movie, and Jacob follows the whole way, even after she made it painfully clear that she doesn't want anything to do with him. God damn it, Jacob. Look at you. You could fuck any girl in the entire damn school if you wanted. Why did you decide to pursue the depressed, insecure attention whore who strings you along so she can feel better about herself? You're supposed to be the man in the Team Edward/Team Jacob feud. Grow a dick.
Bella is one screwed up bitch. She loves being the victim, and can't stand being in control of her own life. Every freakin' room she enters, there are a dozen people who want to kill her, and then a dozen more who fight to the death to protect her. All while she just stands by wide-eyed, making silent gasping noises to herself. She never does a thing. She never makes any decision for herself. Ever. Additionally, not only does she find her boyfriend's cannibalism sexually appealing, but once he breaks up with her, she goes and actively seeks out situations that put her life in danger. She went and hopped on a motorcycle with a stranger twice her age because she wanted a rush. She dove into the ocean off of a fucking cliff. She finds herself in love with a man who consumes human blood. I can't wait until they finally try to have sex with each other, so we can see Bella call Edward a pussy because he doesn't want to choke her or smack her around.
Have you ever been around someone who did something so unbelievably stupid, that you felt embarrassed for them? That's how I feel when I think about the fact that people enjoy Twilight. It makes me feel ashamed to be a human being. I've had fans tell me "Well you haven't read the books, so you can't really say anything!" I've read the first chapter okay? I know this shit. And from what I can tell, there really is no difference. It's just a bunch of whiny teenagers obsessing over the romanticist era without bothering to understand exactly what it is. Reading Romeo and Juliet over and over again while listening to Debussy or Chopin doesn't make you deep. It doesn't make you special. It is what normal human beings do every day. And they do it for the sake of enjoyment, not for the sake of fooling people into believing they have a personality. Fucking stop it.
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