Thursday, April 2, 2009

Badass - Simo Häyhä

Simo Häyhä

The Soviet Union was always a bunch of dicks. In 1939, Joseph Stalin thought it would be pretty fucking hilarious to invade Finland with like 2 million people for no goddamn reason. Simo Häyhä, a scrawny soft-spoken farmer, barely stood five feet tall. That screams “total unstoppable fucking badass” to me. When the Russians crossed the border, Simo grabbed his old school Mosin-Nagant rifle, and put his expert hunting skills to use.

He started popping heads like the Jonas Brothers pop cherries. The Soviets became fucking terrified of him. They started calling him “The White Death,” because of his distinctive camo. He would shove snow in his mouth so his breath couldn't be seen in the cold. That's some Solid Snake shit right there. The Russians eventually sent out special task force to hunt him down, but they all kinda sorta ended up dead. So when that didn't work out, they sent out a sniper team, which Häyhä single-handedly ended as well. They launched carpet bombings and artillery strikes on positions where they thought he might be. Shrapnel from the strikes shredded his coat, but he was more or less left untouched.

And what's most astonishing about this? Since he knew that the sun's reflection off a rifle's scope could give away his position, he just flat out didn't use one. Simo Häyhä sniped hundreds of communists with a rifle invented in the 1800's, without using a motherfucking scope. Try considering this for more than five seconds without causing your head to explode in flames.

Eventually, a Russian soldier actually managed to shoot him in the face. But he was Simo fucking Häyhä, so instead of dying like a mortal person, he simply fell into a coma. He was stopped for about a week. He woke up eleven days later. This was also the same day peace was declared, so I'm just assuming the Russians decided to give up once they found out Simo Häyhä had regained consciousness. Fellow soldiers said “half his face was missing.” He made a full recovery over the next few years. His entire left cheek was only fucking demolished, no big deal.

Simo killed 505-542 godless commie bastards with his rifle. He killed another 200 with his submachine gun. That brings his total kill count to over 700 people. All in a span of 100 days. His personal best was 25 in a single day. Simo Häyhä died in 2002, at the ripe old age of 97. No other person in history has had more confirmed kills than him in any war.

Although the Soviets technically won the Winter War, it was a huge moral defeat for them. The commies suffered 40 times more casualties than the Fins – close to one million people. Stalin had murdered 50% of the officers in his army a couple years earlier, so half the officers on the front lines in Finland were completely inexperienced. The Soviets were expecting complete conquest, but they didn't even end up with all that much land. They even had to give back an island. Fucking communists.