So I don't really know how to go about this. I have a bunch of badasses on this list, but I don't want to post everything at once. So I've decided that every few days, or whenever the fuck I feel like it really, I'll make a post with a badass or two. This kind of sounds like a cool idea to me, and I'll probably continue doing it even after I run out of the people that I've already written down so far.
Andrew Jackson was the seventh President of the United States. His presidency is traditionally considered the first of the new generation, the one that took over right after the founders (or people who played themselves off as founders but really weren't, cough cough John Quincy Adams cough). Jackson's morally questionable policies as president will not be focused on here. The focus here will be his badassery as a person. Jackson had an unbelievable temper. It was always sparked by such the smallest thing, that it should be considered comedic. That's how awesome this dude was.
Jackson enlisted in the Continental Army at the age of 12 and was a courier during the Revolutionary War. He was captured a year later. This British officer ordered young Jackson to shine his boots. Jackson told him to fuck a donkey. The guy got pissed and slashed Jackson's face and hand with his sword, leaving him with a couple scars. He was later released during a prisoner exchange, and served for the rest of the war.
After his entire family died of illness, he went into law. Being a young lawyer with an extremely dangerous temper, Jackson challenged another lawyer to a duel – simply because he would be Jackson's very first opponent in court. The guy didn't accept for some reason.
In 1806, Jackson beat a man named Charles Dickinson in a bet on a horse race. So Dickinson did what any rational person would do, and called his wife a whore. Andrew Jackson challenged him to a duel. Dickinson was one of the best duelists in the country. He had 26 human deaths under his belt. Jackson knew he couldn't kill him if he tried to fire at the same time, because Dickinson's shot could easily throw him off. So he simply stood there and allowed this man to shoot him directly in the chest. I'd like to think that Jackson at that moment looked down at the hole in his chest, touched it, brought his hand up to his mouth, licked his own blood, and treacherously smiled in Charles Dickinson's direction. Whether or not that's true, we do know that Jackson then raised up his pistol, took aim, and shot Dickinson dead. The bullet was so close to Jackson's heart, that it couldn't be removed. He carried it with him for the rest of his life. Jackson later recalled that he would have done anything to kill that man. And he did. He took a bullet in the motherfucking chest just to make sure it got done right.
He soon joined the military, and quickly rose in the ranks. Then in 1812, the British decided to invade America again. Jackson was eventually put in charge of defending the key port city of New Orleans. A huge force of 14,000 British troops were swooping in to gain control of the Mississippi River, and Andrew Jackson was in their way. Jackson realized he was dreadfully outnumbered and outgunned, so what did he do? He went around the area and scrapped together a force made up of U.S. sailors, Marines, soldiers, militias, Choctaw Indians, and free blacks. Then he sailed out to Barataria Bay and enlisted some pirates. Yeah, pirates. Seriously. General Jackson had magically pulled 4,000 soldiers straight out of his ass.
8,000 British troops assaulted New Orleans on January 8, 1815, outnumbering the Americans almost 2 to 1. Well, Jackson dug in deep, and he kicked their sissy asses. The British suffered over 2,000 casualties. The Americans - 71. Andrew Jackson became a national hero, and his victory at New Orleans would catapult him to the presidency 20 years later.
A peace treaty was signed overseas fifteen days earlier.
On January 8 1835, a man named Richard Lawrence walked up to the president and pulled out a pistol. At ten feet away, he pointed it directly at him, and pulled the trigger. The powder didn't ignite, and the gun misfired. Jackson charged at him. Lawrence dropped that pistol, and pulled out another one. That misfired too. Whoops. A navy lieutenant knocked Lawrence to the ground right about the same time that Jackson decided he had had enough of his fucking shit. The President of the United States of America, at 67 years of age, proceeded to fucking wail on this dude with his god damn hickory cane. He was so god damn pissed, that he had to be physically restrained by the secretary of the treasury and the secretary of the navy.
Lawrence's pistols were examined afterwards. Both were loaded correctly, and both fired fine when they tested them out. The odds of two perfectly fine pistols misfiring in the same attack? 125,000 to 1. They were probably scared of Andrew Jackson.
Richard Lawrence once tried to kill his sister, and in captivity he claimed he was the King of England. Despite his obvious insanity (or perhaps royalty?), Andrew Jackson was a paranoid fuck and became convinced that Lawrence was an agent sent by his political enemies. The political attacks he endured during his first Presidential Campaign caused his wife so much stress that she died, so you can't really blame him for not liking them too much.
As an ultimate testament to his life, Andrew Jackson's pet parrot had to be removed from his funeral because it wouldn't stop swearing. True story.
Andrew Jackson was also a fucking racist shithead bastard, and was solely responsible for the Trail of Tears. A Choctaw Indian who had served under him at New Orleans said many years later that if he had known what Jackson would eventually do, he would have shot him.
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