The most badass motherfucker who fought in World War II is debatable, but the craziest motherfucker was undoubtedly a great man named Jack Churchill. Don't believe me? Go ahead a click on this picture. Get a good look at it. Go ahead.
Now, who the heck is that guy over there on the far right leading that charge? Is he holding something in his hand there? What is that? Oh yeah, that's right. It's a fucking sword.
Jack Churchill once said “Any officer who goes into action without his sword is improperly dressed.” One time he captured 42 Germans with nothing but his Scottish Claymore. Why? Because he's fucking Jack Churchill, that's why.
He simply took a sentry hostage, and went around from post to post demanding that they all surrender or else he'd slit the fucker's throat. His thoughts afterwards?
“I maintain that, as long as you tell a German loudly and clearly what to do, if you are senior to him he will cry 'jawohl' (yes sir) and get on with it enthusiastically and efficiently whatever the situation.”
Jack Churchill joined the British Commandos without even know what they did. He only signed up because he thought “it sounded dangerous.”
In May 1940, Jack Churchill and his unit were ambushed by some Nazis. He didn't kill the German Sergeant with a gun. He killed the German Sergeant with a longbow. Jack Churchill represented England in the 1939 Archery World Championships.
When Jack Churchill led a raid on a German garrison in Norway on December 27 1941, he jumped off the first landing craft playing “The March of the Cameron Men” on his motherfucking bagpipes. Yeah. He also had bagpipes. Seriously. Then he chucked a grenade and broke off into a sprint. Two hours later, British High Command received the following message:
In 1944, Jack Churchill led a Commando team in an assault on Hill 622. Only he and six others survived long enough to reach the objective, but once they got there, those six were all killed or mortally wounded with a mortar shell. Then Churchill just stood there and played “Will Ye No Come Back Again?” on his bagpipes until he was knocked unconscious by a grenade.
He was interrogated and sent off to Sachsenhausen concentration camp. Then he crawled under some wire and escaped, because he's motherfucking Jack Churchill, and no concentration camp can hold him.
Then they caught him again, and sent him to Niederdorf. Then he escaped again. You know why? You guessed it, because he's motherfucking Jack Churchill, and no concentration camp can hold him. He walked 150 miles across the Alps and met up with some Americans in Italy. By the time he got there, the war was over. He wanted to go over to Japan, but then the bombs were dropped. He was disappointed.
“If it wasn't for those damn Yanks, we could have kept the war going another ten years!”
But it didn't end there. In 1948, Jack Churchill saved the lives of 700 Jewish doctors by leading them away from a Palestinian massacre.
None of this is made up. Jack Churchill really existed, and he really did all of this. God bless you, Jack Churchill. Hopefully instead of in heaven, God put you on the ancient battlefields of Gaul where you belong.
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